The Beats Go On

So you bought a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre. Congratulations. Personally, I would have bought some $10 earbuds at Wal-Mart and made an extra mortgage payment, but to each his own.

[Note: I understand there is an earbud variety of Beats. The following applies only to the Princess Leia version.]

I’ve spent my fair share of time in airports, and besides the charter buses that take NFL teams from the hotel to the stadium, I’m pretty sure there’s not a higher per-capita rate of Beats than at an airport. So, from a biased observer, before purchasing your Beats, please consider the following suggestions of things that don’t go with your Dre earmuffs...

1. Business casual attire. I’ll give you the extremes, suits and sweats, but the middle ground is not up for debate. A tucked in polo shirt and a pair of Beats are, in fact, mutually exclusive.

2. Bifocals. I started to write glasses. Then I remembered the Usher edition Beats that come with the oversized sunglasses attached. Then I considered writing prescription glasses, but that would exclude some of the urban prep population which has surprisingly proven that Beats can go with a sweatervest.

3. A baby. If you have to choose between diapers and Dre, clearly the baby will take the diapers for granted and crap on them anyway – go with the headphones.

4. A ponytail. Unless said ponytail is made up of dreadlocks.

5. A WNBA jersey. Absolutely nothing goes with a WNBA jersey.

6. An off-brand compression shirt. I don’t care if Ray Lewis walked up to me in an airport with his Beats on. If he was wearing a BCG compression shirt, I’d laugh at him. Ok, that’s not true.

7. A guitar case. I know what you’re thinking: “Why shouldn’t a hippie get to listen to Phil Keaggy on the headphones of his choice?” Have you heard the old round-peg-in-a-square-hole analogy? Stick to your square short sleeve button-ups.

8. A cd player.

9. A large carry-on bag. Stop carrying-on large bags.

10. An EZ Smoker. I’m all for folks kicking the habit, but these things look ridiculous. If you puff on your EZ Smoker while wearing Beats by Dr. Dre during an earthquake, you increase the likelihood that you fall into an abyss between two tectonic plates by approximately 384%. Are you willing to take that risk?

I can't stop you from buying expensive headphones, but I hope to gently urge you not to pair your new headphones with any of the aforementioned items. On behalf of the entire population, thank you.